What makes a friend

My daughter said to me the other day that I don't have any friends.  I told her of course I do and ran through a list of people I consider to be dear friends.  My daughter said yeah, but not real friends, not here in town.
So what makes a friend?  Isn't it the person that for years has listened to all the highlights and low points of your life?  Isn't it the person that has known you so long and so well?  Does distance really matter?
My daughter's point seemed to be that I don't have people to go hang out with, see a movie with, or have lunch with. 
I have a difficult time making new friends.  I am scared to show who I really am.  I am afraid of other people's judgement.  I am lazy about putting in the work that it takes to let someone new in.  I really like staying at home, alone or with my husband or daughter, and doing what I want. 
Yet sometimes I am lonely.  I don't like talking on the phone.  I can seldom afford to go visiting.  I wish I had a friend that I could see anytime I wanted.  Someone I could spend the day with.
I am scared too because the last several "new best friends" I have had have been a problem.  There was the girl who borrowed several expensive books and then I never saw her again.  There was the girl that turned out to be emotionally unstable to the point of abusing others. 
Then there was the "old best friend."  A girl I had known since junior high.  A girl who wanted more from me than I was capable of giving.  She did a lot of nice things for me.  Gave me a place to live when my other choices meant moving in with family.  At first I was grateful... how long should gratitude last?  We lived together for five years.  During which all the bills were in her name.  I paid my half to her.  The electricity and our cell phones were randomly shut off repeatedly because she "forgot to pay the bill." One day I came home to find court papers taped to our door.  She was very behind on the rent.  She told me not to worry that she would take care of it.  She did.  Then one day she told me it was getting to be too much for her.  She was going to move back in with her parents in May and I would need to find a new place to live.  I was sad, but sort of relieved.  She was being honest and I would have control over my life.  A month went by, I went and talked to the apartment managers about possibly getting a studio.  They told me that I couldn't until she gave them notice in writing that she was leaving and I was able to rent on my own. That night I talked to her about it.  She told me that she had changed her mind, that moving in with her parents would mean giving up her cat and she didn't want to do that.  I was happy, but skeptical that she would be okay financially.  About a year or so later I came home to court papers on the door again.  Once again she told me she would take care of it.  This time I knew when she had court.  I text and called her that day, the next, and the next trying to find out what happened.  She knew on a Tuesday.  She waited till Thursday evening to tell me we had until Sunday night to get out.  She was worried that I would be mad.  I tried not to be.  I asked if she could still handle the phone bill or if I should switch it to my boyfriend's plan.  She swore she could handle it.  For a few months I tried to still be, albeit at a bit of a distance, friends.  However, she couldn't keep up with the phone bill.  I didn't fight, I just switched my phone and stopped communicating with her.  Five years have gone by.  I never ran in to her anywhere.  Now I am getting ready to move.  Far away where I don't have to think about running into her.  I ran into her and her mom at the mall.  It was awkward.  We both acted like people who had maybe had a class together in high school and had never seen each other since.  Very odd. 
All that made me wonder, how can I have been so close to someone and then been so unable to talk at all?  Am I just incapable of really making friends?  Do I just use people when they are convenient?  Or is it that I just know when to cut my losses?

Why is it that a few words can totally have you doubting who you are?

So the in-laws went on a tear today.  They informed my husband that I was taking advantage of him, that I was rude, that he was deluding himself about me.  All this apparently boiled down to a visit two and a half years ago.  I didn't rave about how beautiful their house was when I arrived.  I "blew off" their adult daughter when she tried to either shake my hand or talk to me (they don't seem to be sure which it was).  I left their house for an early morning walk and set the alarm off.  And at some point whether at their house or ours (a completely different visit) they got ready to leave and I didn't hug them. 
At first I was very upset.  I felt that I should apologize for being rude, even though I certainly hadn't meant to be.  Then I got mad.  Mad because they won't talk to me about any of this.  They just tell my husband.  He offered to call me so that they could tell me how they feel.  They said they were not going to talk to me and I am not allowed in their house.  Mad because this all happened years ago. 
So here is my side of the story.  When I went to visit I was a nervous wreck.  My husband and I had just gotten married.  This was the first time I wouldn't be with my mom and dad during the holidays.  I didn't know what to expect.  I don't remember commenting on their house.  I probably didn't rave about it.  I arrived there late at night after a 7hour flight and a 2 hour drive.  I have visited many people over the years.  The only time I have ever comment on housing was when visiting my sister after months of phone calls about remodeling plans.
As for "blowing off" their daughter... well I may have inadvertently.  You see I have hearing problems.  If your not where I can read your lips I don't know your talking to me.  If anyone had told me at the time that I had ignored her I would have apologized and explained my difficulties. Also she is an adult.  If she has a problem with me she should talk to me!
As for the alarm... I did apologize for that.  I had never been in a house that had an alarm system.  I didn't know they had one or how it worked.
Then there is the hugging thing.  They didn't hug me either!  If they had put out their arms asking for a hug I would have hugged them.  I seldom hug people.  People I don't know well I especially don't hug.  Most of the time, unless it's an old friend, a small child, or someone I love, I find hugs uncomfortable.  Even with some of the people I love.  Heck I don't even hug my grandmother unless she initiates it (mostly because she isn't fond of hugging either!).  So maybe that was rude.  Maybe I am simply not familiar with their cultural niceties.  Maybe they are overly sensitive.
In the end,  I still would have apologized if they had just come to me.  Now I'm not so sure.  Now I am thinking I might be spoiling for a fight!

Pain

Tonight is looking like a pain night.  My body aches.  My sciatica is acting up.  This week I had two migraine days.  This is one of those times when I wish I was someone else.  Someone who didn't hurt all the time.  What makes it worse is that it is so hot.  The air conditioning hasn't been turned on yet and I feel feverish.
Okay that is enough whining because frankly my fingers are hurting now!

Trying to approach the future with a sense of Tao

We might be moving.

We might not.

I am trying to see both sides as beneficial.  If we move it potentially means a safer environment for the little one.  It means a potential new career path for me.  It means being closer to family.  If we stay it means financially we might be better off.  We would not have to worry about selling our home.  My current career could stay on track.

I am trying to see neither good or bad in either situation, simply potential.

Why?

I was sitting watching the TV Guide channel to see what was on and an episode of Designing Women was playing.  It happened to be the one where the "couples" were trapped on a mountain.  They start this whole discussion/fight about who is better men or women.  My husband was in the room.  In the episode both sides kept it from being too personal by saying "Men do this" or "Women are this way" no direct attacks like "You are this or do this."  My husband decides to jump into the arguement.  I reminded him this is a tv show.  He continued on the side of men.  I got mad and left the room when he said "You still don't have control of the House or Senate. You don't make 80% of the income. You... You.. You..."  I don't quite recall what he said because each "You..." made me madder.  Why is it when I can talk in the abstract about stereo types or statistics he always personalizes the attack with the word "You"?  Even the men on the TV were able to talk about "Men" and "Women."  My husband had to go with "You."  Because I am personally responsible for the entire female gender though out history!

Here I go again.

I want to be honest, but some people can't handle honesty.

I am following my own path, using the masks I have to keep me safe, happy, and less stressed.

Here maybe I can be myself, even as I hide.